Greetings

Why is it that Meth Addicts are the pirriah of the addiction community, actively using and in the process of recovery?

I myself had that contempt for tweakers.

Mostly I remember that of all my early experimentation, it was that one run on crank when I was, what? 22 years old. Younger even.

That was what drove me to have my first real contact with AA.

But see, more than any other material, Speed was the thing that I could see my powerlessness over.

Fast forward.

A lot of fast forward I mean.

I have had five and eight years. Recovery? Fuck, I don't know.

Here I am, 4 AM, fucked in the head and just knowing that it's only gonna get worse.

NA meetings? Never been to one until this week.

I did the whole AA thing: sponser, steps, started meetings, service groups, etc ad hokey phrase.

I began to question the depth of the program. Even today, at the NA meeting I attended last, I could hear the 'canned' phrasiology. Like brain washing subjects. but ya know, I have to admit, that for just a little while, it didn't matter. I was somewhat at peace. The health problems I'm having as a result of daily meth use for about 4 months not withstanding, I felt alright.

Welcome.

Closed off as hell, confused and very very guarded.

But okey, ya know?

So here we are. I'm gonna go to bed now (yes, poly drug guy here).

I got to go and see my friend in rehab. Caught a case, no one to take care of her small dog- her mom called me because I always dug the dog.

She gets off the plane from elsewhere in the state, greatful as hell, and I had to tell her to hold on- the thanks is to her. I allowed as I had picked up a 'dirty little habit' while on the road. And she, the convicted heroin addict, most hard of the hard core, the avitar of 'suicide girls', had the same fucking contempt for the whole thing. Fucking amazing! Mind you, this is someone who I am not that connected to. I just got it in my head that it might be a good idea to..... use her as the pivot to get some help when the time came.

See, with meth, there was no bullshitting myself. I can remember saying out loud: best we can hope for is to delay the inevitable. Meaning- I knew I was gonna lose. I knew it wasn't gonna be some rehab. I'm just too smart a rat for that shit. I need the trenches of fearless hard core. I think.

Last go round, I turned to smack. about 4 months during a bad stretch in a marrage that was prolly a bad idea to begin with.

had 8 years, not a single meeting.

now.

I'm fucked. I knew it the first time I got a hit shotgunned by a beautiful woman into my lungs.

No denying it.

And here we are. The time is neigh.

So, I set aside my own reluctance to go to a 12 step group besides AA, and go and find my tribe. Take my hostle, beautiful bitchy home girl (nothing going on there guys- different deal), resident of the most chaotic rehab I ever heard of, with me.

cos I'm fucked. All of the addict behaviors are comming into play. the one that disturbs the most is the ease with which I lie not only to those around me, but to myself.

there is never gonna be a big enough bag. I am never gonna control and enjoy this shit. I already have seen the tolerance go up and the pleasure go down.

but see, here's the thing. when I wake tomorrow, I'll prolly take a maintainance dose. fuck yeah. Who am I kidding?

But as a man once told me: if you don't write it down, it never happened.

So if you are of a mind, cma guys and gals, you might have to reach out to me. Actually, I am sure I need you to.

Cos this is just gonna be so hard I know.

I have so little interest in anything other than getting high, getting shit to get high with, reading internet about shit, etc etc.

I don't give a rats ass that the lakers won. and once upon a time I went to over thirty games a year. Now I don't care?

Like I said; THERE IS A MR WIZARD- GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.